


What Separates Us

by moondansr



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Sastiel Big Bang 2013
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-22
Updated: 2013-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-05 14:59:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1095373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moondansr/pseuds/moondansr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for <a href="http://sastiel-bigbang.livejournal.com/">Sastiel Big Bang 2013</a><br/>Art by <a href="http://kezzymai23.livejournal.com/">kezzymai23</a> who was fantastic to work with!  See all of the art <a href="http://kezzymai23.livejournal.com/2852.html#">here</a>!</p>
<p>In a world where demons, angels and humans all live on earth together, half demon, half human Sam loves angels, but angels don't want anything to do with him.  When his half brother Dean starts dating an angel named Castiel it's no surprise that Sam falls for the angel.  What is surprising is the continued relationship between Dean and Cas.  Sam doesn't know what to do about the feelings he's having or how to explain them to Dean.  He doesn't even know if he should try.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Separates Us

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my beta novakev, my friend who helped me smooth things out [tanzenlicht](http://tanzenlicht.livejournal.com/) and my dear wife stormlyht who read every word even when they were rough as could be and still loved my story. All three of you are outstanding people who I can't thank enough!

There was an angel in the apartment. Sam stared at blue eyes, dark yet bright. Angels were always good looking, but this one took his breath away.

“Sam this is Cas, Cas, this is my brother Sam.” Dean stood in the doorway as he introduced his new boyfriend. Sam had been hearing about Cas for days. He was good in bed, gorgeous and most importantly, an angel. Sam loved angels. He studied them intensely whenever he had a free moment. His room was covered with angel related posters, articles and known facts. These days angels walked the earth regularly, but none of them ever wanted anything to do with Sam.

“Hi, it’s an honor, really an honor, to meet you.” Sam stretched out his hand to shake Cas’, and the angel was nice enough to shake it back.

“You are half brothers,” Cas told Dean, and Sam knew why he pointed it out. It was the same reason no angel ever wanted to spend time with Sam.

“Minor detail, Sam and I are close. He’s more human than me most days.” Dean was subtly asking Cas not to be a dick, but Sam knew from experience that angels made their own decisions on that.

Cas proved the point with a tight smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Sam.”

Yeah, Sam could see how nice it was. If it were really that nice, Cas wouldn’t be so stiff and formal. Sam stuck around anyhow. It was his place too after all, and Dean brought Cas to meet him since he knew all about Sam’s obsession.

The three of them ate dinner together and Sam showed Cas some of his collection of angel related books. He didn’t show him everything though. Cas probably wouldn’t like him owning some of the books. Other angels had called it blasphemous.

“So, I work at the University Library tonight and you two would probably like some time alone,” Sam finally said with a smile. He knew Dean wanted privacy. For Dean, a relationship wasn’t a relationship if there wasn’t any sex involved.

“Yeah, thanks Sammy,” Dean gave him his “I’m gonna get some tonight” smile, and an eyebrow waggle too, which just made Sam shake his head. His brother was so goofy.

“Sure,” he held a hand out to Cas. “Nice to meet you Cas.”

“You are not bad for a half demon,” Cas said with a casual nod, shaking his hand. Sam wanted to scream and run away but he just smiled. His own smile was forced this time, he was sure. Why did it always have to be stated? He hated that.

“I’m not responsible for my parentage you know,” Sam said, unable to resist. He was sick of people judging him by what his father was. “It isn’t as if either of my parents were around more than a year of my life.”

Cas seemed a bit taken aback by his frankness, and froze for a moment, then he came up with, “I apologize for stirring up unpleasant memories.”

Sam wondered if Cas had any idea just how many unpleasant memories he’d brought up. “It’s fine.” Sam took his hand back. “It happens all the time.” Then he hurried back to his room to get his jacket and his backpack. Sometimes he was able to get homework done at work. It depended on how busy the library was.

When he came out of his room, he heard Dean and Cas discussing the movie collection, and he wondered how much of the movie Cas would get to see before Dean moved in on him. Then he wondered why he was thinking about such things when they only disturbed him. It was probably because they also amused him, he realized. “Have fun guys,” he called out as he left. They didn’t really answer, but he didn’t really expect that they would.

#

Sam noticed after that meeting that Cas was in his Religious Studies class at the university. Dean studied at the university as well. He seemed to be majoring in dating as much of the student population as possible and had gotten two years into his "major" before Sam started. Dean had probably met Cas on campus. Usually that didn’t bother Sam. His brother tended to be upfront about his interests, so it wasn’t like people didn’t know what he was after.

Cas sat in the middle of the room and Sam always sat in the front. That was probably why he had never noticed Cas before, but that day he did. His eyes were drawn to the angel amidst four other angels, all of them mostly interested in each other. For the most part, that was the way the world worked. Angels talked to angels, humans to humans and demons to demons, but Sam was not comfortable with demons, and humans were mostly uncertain of him. Luckily he had some solid human friends. Mostly, that was because of Dean. Now it seemed that Dean was working on the angels.

Sam looked away from Cas with a slight smile. His brother tried to help him out all the time. Sometimes he went a little bit overboard but that was because he was such a good brother. Dean had always been there for him through every problem. No matter what Dean did, that was what tied them together. He wasn’t the type to fool around, but Dean was. As long as Dean was honest about it, Sam didn’t intend to get in the way.

“Everyone take your seats, it’s time to get started,” Professor Stanley said from the front of the room. Sam thought the man was a pretty good instructor. He tried to consider Religion from different sides, and never said outright that one belief was right and the other wrong. Pointing out the facts, he left the rest to them, and enjoyed holding occasional debates during class as well. Sam had always felt too self conscious to join the debates, but he’d learned a lot from them about the way that demons, angels and humans thought. “It is time to assign partners for the final essays. Some of you might think it’s too soon, but I assure you it is not. As you know the essay is one third of your grade. I expect at least twenty pages, that's ten pages each, but I expect it to read like one paper so you'll have to work together.”

He handed out a three page printout, which detailed his expectations. Sam scanned it as the papers were passed back.

“You will be assigned only one partner. The only case in which you will be reassigned is if your partner drops the class. I get a lot of requests, every year, but these assignments are final, and I consider them carefully. To learn new things about religion, you must push outside of your normal associations. That is my firm belief, and so the person you work with is going to be from a very different background. I challenge you to overcome that, and find a way to learn something from each other.”

The more he talked, the more uneasy Sam became. Would he have to work with a true demon? Or perhaps an angel? He glanced back at the knot of angels in which Cas sat. They were silent and attentive. Angels were always so serious. It made them excellent students. There were few rebellious angels, that or they remained well hidden. Demons whispered that rebellious angels were killed, once they had been banished, but now it was too embarrassing to think people might see them, so they were executed out of hand. Sam had never found any proof of the accusation and one couldn't trust demons.

“Sam Winchester and Castiel.” Sam looked to Professor Stanley, he’d been assigning partners. When several moments of silence had passed, the professor spoke again, “Please stand up so you'll recognize each other.”

Sam stood slowly looking back to see Cas stand as well. Castiel. Of course his brother hadn’t ever given his full name. He felt the corner of his lip twitch into a half smile, but then Cas was sitting back down, so he did too. Castiel, that gave him something to look up. Most likely there was information in his books on the angel. With all of his resources, he had most angels covered somewhere.

After all of the partners were assigned, Professor Stanley made one final announcement for the day. “I don’t have a lecture for you today. In fact, I will be in my office for the remainder of class. Please use the rest of our usual class time to acquaint yourselves with your partners, and make plans to meet and prepare your reports. Next class we will pick up with the event which brought angels and demons to live on earth with humans, and the way that it effected religious beliefs.” With that, he began to pick up his brief case, and several students rushed his desk.

Sam threaded his way back towards Cas. He felt a bit reluctant and shy now that they were on their own together, with no Dean to bridge the gap, but his grades were important to him. He needed to find a way to work with Cas. Some of the awkwardness might also have come from his treatment in general by angels.

“Hey, so I guess we’ll be working together,” Sam said once he was by Cas. Most of the other angels were paired with full demons, he noticed. One had a human. He only noticed one like that though.

“Yes, it seems we are.” Cas looked at him with a slight head tilt. The other night he hadn’t seemed especially curious. Now he seemed quite so.

“We should probably set up a time to meet. I like to work in the library. What do you think? Do you want to meet there sometime?” He hated the way being shy and nervous made him sound so uncertain. It was hard not to wonder what Cas was thinking too. The entire time he stared at Sam.

“I do have some time on Saturday. Would one in the afternoon be acceptable? I have a date in the evening.”

Sam immediately wondered if the date was with Dean. “Sure, I can make that.”

“Good, since we know each other, I believe I will see if Dean is available, excuse me,” Cas said. That quickly, the interest he’d briefly seemed to have in Sam, was gone. A moment later Cas was gone too.

“See you then,” Sam said mostly to empty air. Sighing, he looked around. At least he wasn’t the only one now standing alone. There was no use staying, so he headed out to find a quiet place to do some studying.

#

Sam got to the library ten minutes early, planning to hang out on the steps and wait for Cas. Instead, he found himself staring at Cas being ravished against the railing by Dean. He’d never actually stared at his brother making out with someone before, and he was surprised when he caught himself doing it.

Cas’ black hair was ruffled and untidy at that moment, his eyes half closed and his head tilted back a bit. Sam noticed the contrast of his dark eyelashes against his fairly pale skin. He saw how Cas leaned a bit unsteadily against the stair railing, and his eyes fell to Dean’s right hand, firmly holding onto Cas’ hip. That was when he realized that he was not so much watching Dean, as he was watching Cas. Sam wanted to be Dean in that moment, to be the one holding Cas steady while their lips and tongues slid against each other, while their bodies pressed together.

The longing between them was echoed in Sam but stronger, because Sam didn’t have Cas. He didn’t even have someone like Cas, and sometimes he thought he never would. It was hard not to dwell on that, the empty feeling, knowing Cas and all angel’s in general, were pretty much untouchable was bad enough. The thing was, once human’s knew about his demon side they didn’t want to date him unless there was something fundamentally wrong with them, and he had never met a demon he wanted to try a relationship with.

Sure, Sam had gone on a date here and there, most of them set up by Dean. He’d even had sex a few times. He knew what it was like, but none of those times had been meaningful. They’d always been a one or two time thing.

For Dean, Cas was sort of record breaking. They’d gone out something like seven times. Dean was having a relationship. Was Dean having a relationship? Sam would have considered that longer, but his friend Jess interrupted.

“Hey, are you eyeing flavor 992 or what?” Jess asked, pausing to put a hand on his shoulder.

Sam felt his face flush as he turned his eyes on Jessica. She’d gone out with Dean two or three times and proclaimed him pretty, but lacking substance. “No, just… supposed to be meeting him for a project.”

“Flavor 992 or Dean?”

“Cas.” Sam grinned at her. “Flavor 992 has a name. It’s Cas.”

“Oh, didn’t mean to offend. What time are you meeting him?” Jessica seemed so natural all the time. It made him envious. Dean was that way too. Both of them seemed comfortable with themselves fully. They stood anywhere, talked to anyone like that person was a good friend, and the stairs were a normal place to converse.

In the meantime Sam nearly always felt a bit awkward. He’d never fully adjusted when his body had suddenly sprung upwards into a height that felt wrong. Besides that, he was just plain uncertain a lot of the time. Was he doing the right thing? Acting normal? Was there something inherently demonic about him? Were his eyes glowing faintly red like they sometimes did? All of that was constantly in the back of his mind. “One.”

Jess checked her watch, “Well, it’s five minutes past. Go, get your study partner.” She gave him a push towards them and Sam ended up close enough that Dean somehow, suddenly, sensed his presence. He pulled out of the make out session casually and gave Sam a wink.

“Hey there Sammy, what’s up?” Dean asked.

Sam looked at Cas who was running a hand through his hair and straightening his clothes. “I, um, I’m meeting Cas for class.” He pulled his eyes away from Cas and over to Dean with some effort. “Project.”

“Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.” Of course he’d forgotten, Dean had very little room in his mind for things that had to do with classes.

“No surprise,” Sam said.

“I’m ready to get started if you are.” When Sam looked over Cas was perfect again. Every strand of his hair was in place, his suit was in it’s usual state of disarray, as if purposely arranged that way. His lips no longer showed any sign that they had been kissed and kissed and kissed.

“Have fun then,” Dean said, hitting Sam on the back and pulling him out of the semi-trance he’d somehow wound up in, while staring at Cas’ lips. Sam hoped Cas hadn’t noticed. “See you tonight Cas.”

That quickly, it became Sam and Cas alone.

“Um.” Sam wished he could kick himself sometimes. Standing there, he felt so awkward and uncertain it was like meeting Cas for the first time all over again, except that hadn’t been quite as awkward. “So, the religious section would be good.”

Sam turned away and started walking because most of the time he managed that without making a fool of himself. What was he doing eyeing Dean’s boyfriend? Cas didn’t even like him much anyhow. He was okay for a half demon. Yeah. Straightening his shoulders as a bit more strength filled him, Sam tried to reign himself in. Cas was just a fantasy, an angel who talked to him so he was getting carried away. Cas was interested in Dean. Sam was just a younger brother he was being forced to interact with, and that was the way things would be. Cas would never start wanting Sam. Someday Dean would stop seeing him, and when this project was over, Sam would never see Cas again.

Sam reviewed those facts until he believed them, which meant that by the time they were sitting down to talk about the paper they were doing together, he was mostly able to act normal and natural. He managed not to stutter or stare pretty much the entire time, and after two hours of good solid work, they agreed to meet again in two weeks.

#

Sam liked the direction the paper he was writing with Cas had taken. While at times Cas could be extremely serious and nit picky, he also had a sense of humor, which sometimes put Sam in stitches. They’d actually had to leave the library once when Cas had cracked a casual joke about angel religious beliefs with that uncanny straight face of his. Sam had started laughing, seen the corner of Cas’ lip twitch up and just lost all control.

After that, they agreed they had all they needed research wise anyhow, and started meeting in different places, so they didn’t have to be so quiet. Actually, it was more so they didn’t feel badly about getting occasionally loud. That was what had them meeting in the cafeteria a month and a half after their first meeting.

“I’ve never been overly religious,” Sam admitted as they looked over each other’s rough drafts and planned how to combine them. “I mean compared to Dean I suppose I’m downright pious, but I’ve never attended church much, or anything like that.”

Cas got that look in his eyes he always got when they discussed Dean. It made Sam’s heart ache, yet he was touched by it. He had a hard time resolving the respect he had for Cas’ genuine feelings, with his desire for those feelings to be for him instead of for Dean.

“Yes, Dean has a very hard time believing in anyone he hasn’t met. Also, he doesn’t seem to think much of entities. It seems as if he tends to expect the worst from people.”

“Yeah, that’s Dean.” Cas knew his brother well. So far he hadn’t seen Dean display a similar knowledge of Cas though. “He’s been that way as far back as I can remember. Of course, people disappointed him a lot when we were young.”

Growing up in the foster system had been tough on them both, but Dean had taken each lie, each disappointment, each betrayal really hard. In a lot of ways, Dean had gone into things with higher expectations and more faith than Sam, and come out totally embittered. They had been separated by the system three times, and every time Dean had come out to find Sam. So as Dean’s faith was shaken, Sam’s had grown. He knew Dean would always be there and eventually Dean always was, somehow.

“I wish he would talk to me about that.” Cas leaned forward, intense blue eyes gazing into Sam’s, making him feel like he was important. At that moment he probably was, but not for the reasons Sam wanted to be important. Cas was no doubt hoping that Sam could fill in the blanks in his knowledge about Dean. “Whenever things get earlier than 16 he just shuts down.”

Sam frowned, not sure if he wanted to get in the middle of that. “If Dean doesn’t want to discuss it, I’m not sure I should.” He concentrated on his lunch and then tried to read the rough draft a bit. Cas sat back, and tilted his head, watching until Sam felt heat rising in his face. He wasn’t sure why Cas affected him that way. It was like having the angel’s attention on him too long embarrassed him somehow. With a sigh, he looked up. “Our mother died when we were really young, and we went through the foster care system. It was hard on Dean.” Then he shrugged. That was all he was giving, absolutely all.

Cas nodded. “But it was less hard on you?”

That was one of the problems with talking to Cas. He had a way of getting the information he needed by asking the right questions in just the right way.

“It was pretty much all I knew, so yeah. I never expected to be treated any particular way. Besides, Dean was always there.” Sam looked down again after seeing Cas’ eyes. Once again, his expression was all about Dean. “Dean is really a big deal to you, isn’t he?”

“Yes, I believe I will be with him a very long time.”

Sam swallowed his immediate disbelief. They were still seeing each other but… “You know he’s seeing other people too, right?” Like twenty or so others since starting to see Cas, if not more. Sam wasn’t sure what to think of it. On the one hand Dean was consistently seeing Cas, on the other hand Dean was, well, Dean.

“Yes, I believe he is confused, and I can be patient.”

Sam nodded, that was a good trait to have when it came to Dean. He just wasn’t sure Dean wanted to settle down in any way, especially so soon. The thing that kept him from saying so immediately had nothing to do with Dean at all. He didn’t think Dean would care if he told Cas just that, but Cas seemed so vulnerable to Sam, even though he was an angel. There was something a little off about Cas, and he liked it. Other angels seemed to keep an extra close eye on Cas, as if he might suddenly do something crazy. Sam supposed just dating Dean might count by their standards. At any rate, Sam did not want to hurt Cas for no reason, and maybe Dean did have feelings for the angel beyond physical ones. It was possible.

“You’re holding back.”

Sam smiled. “Yes but… I just hope you’re right is all. I really do.” At least as long as Cas was seeing Dean, Sam would get to see Cas once in a while. It hurt, but seeing him at all was worth something. “We should probably get back to the report.”

#

"What do you think of spending forever with someone?" Sam asked, trying to sound casual as Dean slid in and out of traffic. The Impala was full of gear for the football team, so the two of them were the only people that fit, which suited Sam just fine. He'd wanted to discuss Cas for a while.

Dean laughed. "You sound like a girl when you ask questions like that Sammy."

"I'm serious Dean. Guys get married too, or commit to people. It's not just a girl thing." Dean met that with an extended silence, until Sam was about to try coming at things from a different angle.

"Is this about Cas?" Dean asked and there was a harshness to his voice that made Sam very uncertain. Maybe he shouldn't have brought it up. There were some things that Dean just wouldn't talk about, absolutely refused. He realized too late this might be one of them. It was a bit late to back out of it though.

"Yeah, sort of..."

"Did he ask you to talk to me?"

"No." Sam turned and stared at his brother. "Why would Cas ask me to talk to you about this?"

"No, nothing, never mind."

"Bullshit, Dean, what's going on?" Sam went from concern for Cas to concern for Dean in seconds. He wasn't used to Dean being so touchy, and although he didn't really think of Cas as a threat to his brother, he could tell Dean was pretty upset. Also, he could tell that Dean was hiding something, and he didn't like it when his brother hid stuff from him.

Sam was glad the ride to the game was a long one, because Dean gave him another ten minutes of solid silence before answering, and Sam waited. He knew enough to wait. Silence was not necessarily a rejection with Dean, and in this case, he felt certain that Dean was thinking.

"He wants more than I do, that's all,” Dean said, his tone guarded.

"I've been wondering about that." Sam knew Dean was still hiding something. It could be something that happened or just a feeling he was having. Dean didn't really like talking about feelings. He tried to be careful as he worded his next statement. "You've been seeing him longer than I've ever known you to see someone." There, it implied a question but didn't ask it. Hopefully, Dean would take the bait.

"Yeah, it's not that he isn't fun, but he keeps pressuring me into these dates and I'm done. I really need to tell him I'm done." Dean shifted restlessly.

"Pressuring you how?"

"Not exactly pressuring me just... you know, getting me all hot and bothered then wanting to go out."

It was hard not to grin, but he felt a certain amount of empathy too. Cas really had Dean's number, that was sure. "You could just stop being available to him at all you know?"

"Yeah, I know."

This time it was Sam's turn to think. He didn't know how long he was doing it. "Why do you keep letting him close? With most people you would just block them out."

Dean shrugged. "It was sort of hot at first, having him pursue me like that." Then he shook his head. "I don't know, and I don't know what to do. I don't dislike him, he's Cas, you know? I just want him to give me some breathing space."

Breathing space, but he was Cas, so... Sam felt his brow crease as he tried to make sense of the words and emotions behind them. Then he realized what it truly seemed like Dean was saying. “So, he's become a friend?"

"Yeah, I guess so. Cas is a good guy, I don't want to upset him. I just want him to be someone I talk to and hang out with. I don't mind the sex, it's hot and all but I don't want to... you know, commit to anything or stop seeing other people."

"Uh huh," Sam looked out through the front window of the car. "You should tell him, Dean. The longer you wait the more you're going to hurt him."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

Sam heard how it was said, and he didn't think Dean was going to manage to make himself clear any time soon. "You shouldn't let it drag out."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Do you want me to talk to him?"

For a while Dean didn't say anything then he said, "I won't stop you Sammy, if you want to, but it's something I should do. I mean I know you’re right. It's my responsibility and I should be clear with him."

Sam nodded. He wanted Dean to tell Cas, but he wasn’t confident Dean would.

#

Sam helped Dean get things out of the car and hand them to the players that needed them before he headed for the seats. He wasn't into sports much, though he liked to watch Dean's games, and he would occasionally watch pro sports with Dean. He liked Dean and sports sort of came with his big brother. He'd even played football to help his brother practice but he'd never joined the team. Dean could have that to himself.

Staying fit was something else. Sam liked to jog, swim and lift weights. It felt good to be active and his body didn't feel right if he missed out on exercising it for too long. It was like eating right, something he did for himself to keep himself feeling healthy. For all the effort Dean put into his game, and keeping strong for it, he tended to treat his body like it would always be there for him. Drinking, fast food, parties, Dean loved it all and he didn't seem to consider what it might be doing to him in the long run. Live in the moment, that was Dean.  
Sam caught sight of Cas almost as soon as he entered the spectator area. He considered positioning himself away from the angel so he could watch him during the game, but it felt more like a stalker move than going over.

"Hey Cas, didn't know you were coming to the game," Sam said as he sat down next to Cas.

"Dean is playing, so of course I came." There wasn't anyone else near Cas yet and Sam wondered if they would eventually be joined by a cluster of angels or not. He couldn't help thinking about the conversation he'd had with Dean in the car at Cas's reply.

"Yeah." Sam really did consider leaving it at that. He looked out at the field, observed some other people as they took seats below them, and considered the lighting. "Say Cas, I was talking to Dean on the way to the game and..." Sam wasn't sure how to put it, but now that he was part way in he had to say something, "he doesn't seem to be interested in anything long term."

"It's none of your business," Cas was looking at him with serious, hard eyes. He hadn't seen that look before and it hurt to see Cas give it to him.

"I was just, uh..." he was trying to make sure that Cas knew how Dean really felt. He didn't want to see Cas hurt, but Cas was going to be hurt. It was none of his business, huh? That might be true. Sam felt like it was though, "Dean is my brother and you are my friend so I think I should be able to say this much."

"We are doing a project together for class. That is all." Cas looked away at the field, "I don't have any interest in you beyond that project and I don't need you to talk to me about Dean."

It was odd how quickly and thoroughly those words tore him apart. Cas didn't think of him as a friend. All of the talks they had had, the thoughts they'd shared, it didn't mean anything to Cas. Nothing. Nothing at all. His eyes burned and he swallowed back self indulgent tears of pity. No way was he going to cry. Angels hated him, they always did. Why should Cas be any different? Why should he expect anything different out of him?

Sam turned his eyes onto the field too. "Fine," Sam said and his voice sounded tight, controlled, to his ears. Good. Cas didn't need to know how he did or didn't feel, Cas didn't care about him or his feelings obviously. All he cared about was Dean. That was fine too. Sam nearly regretted encouraging Dean not to drag things out. He wished pain on Cas and more pain after that; and he wasn't moving. He'd chosen to sit next to Cas and he'd be damned if he was going to move.

The rest of the night was a miserable test of his resolution to stay put. Cas was the one who put an end to the strain, leaving at half time and sitting elsewhere when he came back. Good, let him sit somewhere else. Let him always sit somewhere else. Sam spent the rest of the game pretending to watch his brother, trying to remember to cheer him on at all the right times and reviewing all of his conversations with Cas wondering how the angel didn't view them as friends.

He remembered the conversation they'd had about God especially well.

"Cas, what is God really like?" Sam had asked, looking up from a book he was reading for research.

"He is like a Father with too many jobs and too many children," Cas had said softly before looking up and meeting Sam's eyes. "To be honest I have never met Him."

"You've never met him?"

"He is very busy, you know? I went looking for Him once, but was told by someone who spoke to Him that I must stop. God has a lot of responsibilities."

Sam remembered the look on Cas's face, so sad, lonely and vulnerable. It had really hurt him to hear those words and who wouldn't it hurt? To know your Father, who had supposedly made you with love, didn't even want to meet you enough to take out five minutes, or even sixty seconds. All he'd been able to do was apologize to Cas but as Cas said, it wasn't Sam who had rejected him. No, Sam had never rejected Cas, but Cas had rejected Sam.

By the time people started to leave Sam had a sore throat, mostly caused by holding his emotions in check. He sat on the bleachers staring out at the field for a really long time. Cas had probably left with everyone else, but he couldn't get himself to look. Dean might be making out with Cas outside the guys locker room, or in it for all he knew. Sam hated the amount of weight Cas's words had for him and he didn't want to admit that he'd begun to get attached. He knew better.

It was Dean who finally pulled him out of the pain that held him frozen there. There was a hand on his shoulder. "What are you doing still up here? They've turned out half the lights Sammy, the game's been over. Come on, let's get out of here."

"Yeah, sorry." Sam stood up, giving Dean a half smile and walked with him towards the car.

"Something happen to upset you?" Dean asked. Sam knew he wasn't asking because he wasn't sure, he was asking because he knew.

"Yeah, I guess, but it's no big deal." Sam didn't need Dean to take care of him anymore. He was an adult. Dean never could get the hang of that.

"It's a big deal to me."

"No, it isn't. I can handle it, really should have expected it in the first place."

"Is someone hassling you about being half demon again? You tell me who and I'll straighten with them. You're no more demonic than any other human."

"Actually, I'm 50% more demonic than other humans."

Dean stopped and pulled him around to look into his eyes. "I'm not kidding Sam. No one has any right to treat you different because of your father. Tell me who it was and I'll..."

"No one did anything," Sam interrupted, wondering what made Dean so certain this had to do with that. "I just thought someone was a friend and they aren't, okay?"

"Who?"

"No one," and knowing Dean would keep pushing Sam lied, "no one you know. Just some kid from one of my classes, so just... drop it." He couldn't tell Dean it was Cas. He couldn't make things that kind of awkward.

Dean stared at him long and hard before he dropped his arms, shaking his head and resumed the walk to the car. "If that's the way you want it."

It was. Cas was waiting by the car and Sam almost turned around and walked back to the bleachers but that wouldn't do him any good. The angel looked uncannily beautiful, standing alone by the Impala.

"Hey Cas," Dean greeted, "I didn't know you came to the game."

"You walked right past me when you came out of the lockers," Cas said in a steady voice. "I told you I would be here."

"Did you?"

Sam recognized this phase. It was the one Dean went through when he wanted to tell someone to go away, but didn't want to say it straight out.

"Yes, I did." Cas looked at Sam and then back at Dean, "Only cowards send their brother to break things off with someone you know?"

Dean frowned, "I didn't send Sam to do anything." He looked at Sam then back at Cas. His head tilted then went into a belligerent angle. "Are you the one who upset Sammy?"

"Cas didn't..." Sam started right away, though he didn't know exactly why he was trying to defend Cas. It didn't matter, Cas interrupted him.

"If I did, you can blame yourself."

"If you did, I'll blame you. I told you from the start that Sam is his own person and you don't try to use him to get to me. You have a problem with me then come to me!" Dean moved close to Cas and Sam had no idea what to do. He didn't want them to fight. Still, it was none of his business right?

"I'm not the one who put him in the middle of things!" Cas said and the volume was drawing attention. Several football players and other people turned to look at them.

"I didn't put him in the middle of anything. He has his own mind you know? Has it ever occurred to you that he decided to say stuff to you on his own?" Dean looked at Sam. "Get in the car, Sammy."

Oh no, that was never good. There were only two times Dean sent him to the car and he was far too old to be treated in either manner. Dean was either going to say something particularly offensive or he intended to get violent, with an angel.

"You can't just send me to the car, I'm not a kid anymore."

"Get... in the car... now." Dean turned angry eyes on him and even though he should have stood up to them, he was an adult for God's sake, Sam found himself automatically getting into the car. He slammed the door in a huff, looking out as Dean came nose to nose with Cas.

Sam never knew what Dean said, but he did see Cas flush bright red, turn completely white and then disappear into thin air. He watched Dean walk rigidly to the driver's side of the car. Dean climbed in, started the car and peeled out of the parking lot. He went speeds that made Sam want to complain the entire way home but Sam didn't say anything, neither one of them did.

It wasn't until the Impala was parked and Sam was about to get out of it that Dean spoke. "I'll take care of him Sammy."

"I know. It isn't about that anymore."

"What's it about?"

Sam shook his head. He wasn't ready to tell anyone how he felt, not even Dean. "Sorry, I'm just not ready." Then he got out of the car, went inside and locked himself into his bedroom. He just needed to be alone for a little while.

#

Sam hadn't spoken to Cas since the football game. Their paper was due in a week and although it could still be finished on time it didn't seem likely since they weren't talking. Sam was thinking about speaking to the professor, but he wasn't sure what to say. Worse, he and Dean weren't talking much either. For a while, he hadn't known how to tell Dean about his feelings for Cas, then it seemed like Dean started growing distant.

In the meantime, Sam had noticed that Cas and Dean were still fucking on occasion. He'd seen them making out a couple times on campus and walked in on them once in the shower. Of course he'd left the house just after and not come back until the next day. Cas didn't want him to get in the middle of it and so he wouldn't, but how could Cas and Dean do anything but make each other miserable when they wanted such different things?

He was thinking about all of that when he walked right into the two of them at the front door of the apartment. Cas was blocking the door and Dean stood in front of him glowering.

"Are you saying you never want to be with me ever again? Do you want me to disappear?" Cas asked. Sam had never heard his voice sound so raw and desperate. Wasn't this inevitable? Sam wanted to answer for Dean, no, don't disappear Cas, but this wasn't about him. He turned to walk away. He could stay the night somewhere else.

"Stop it," Dean pulled Sam back. "Where the Hell do you think you're going?"

"I just... I don't want to get in the way." Sam looked between them.

"You live here. You are not in the way," Dean said glaring at him as if he'd just said something terrible. "You are never in the way, do you understand me?"

Sam shifted, looking down at his feet, feeling like he was 12 again and Dean was scolding him for doing something foolish. "Yeah, I get it." He looked at Cas wanting to apologize.

"So do I," Castiel said and then he was gone. Was he actually gone forever? Sam cast Dean a desperate look.

"Dean... what about Cas?"

"What about him? Maybe you should tell me, because you never did and I've been waiting Sammy. What about Cas, huh? I don't mind. In fact I need to know what's going through your head because I have no idea whether to shake him or keep him around." Dean's green eyes bore into him until Sam couldn't stand it anymore.

"I like him, okay? I have a thing for him and it doesn't matter because he doesn't even think of me as a friend and he likes you, he wants you."

Dean frowned, "Who says he doesn't even think of you as a friend?"

"He does."

"He does, when?" Dean asked. The door from the apartment across from them opened and a girl stared at them with big eyes.

"Is this a lover's quarrel? Can I watch?" she asked.

"No," Sam and Dean both replied together, then Dean opened the door with his key and they both went inside. Neither of them spoke until the door was closed and locked.

"I haven't talked to him since the game," Sam admitted then, tossing his bag by the dining room table.

"So he told you he didn't think of you as a friend? There?"

There was no question that Dean was angry and Sam couldn't make it better. At least he wasn't angry at Sam, he was angry at Cas but that hurt in a different way. "Yeah," lying more wasn't going to fix things. He tried the truth. "It was at the game when I told him you didn't seem to really want anything long term. He told me it was none of my business and I said something about being your brother and his friend, so he set me straight. I'm just a guy he has a project with. That's it, so I've got that down."

"Shit," Dean shook his head and unclenched his white knuckled fists, then he went into the kitchen, got out a couple beers and popped them open. Sam accepted the beer when it was offered. It was already open and a beer here and there, now and then, wasn't a horrible thing. "Sammy, I know he was lying about that. I don't know why but he definitely thinks of you as..." Dean shook his head, "fucking angel."

"What?" Sam didn't think Dean was making a whole lot of sense. Either he was skipping words, or he was babbling.

"He told me you two were getting to be good friends, a while ago. Working on the paper together and all, he was really starting to like you but he was worried about the other angels. They already think he's out of line, seeing me." Dean shrugged, "I shouldn't have ever brought him home. I just knew how excited you would be to meet an angel but angel's are dicks, Sam. We both know that."

"Cas is different." There he went defending him again. Dean's words, though, had brought back that familiar ache. Not talking to Cas, he missed that so much. Knowing that Cas was being pressured made him feel like maybe there had been something there between them. Maybe it wasn't all him. Maybe Cas was just afraid. Sam knew afraid, he'd struggled with and against it too many times. If it was just fear then maybe he really did have a chance, at least to be Cas's friend. "He's emotional, thoughtful and open. He really listens and debates things, it isn't all about the way things are. Considering what has been said in many different places he forms actual opinions, he doesn't cite Heavenly mandates as if they are the law or take God's word at face value and he loves. Dean, he loves you."

"Fuck that, maybe he does but you know I don't love him Sammy," Dean was drinking his beer steadily while watching Sam closely in between. He had his long considering look which made Sam uncomfortable, but now that they were talking he just couldn't back away.

"Yeah, I know. I didn't think you did, but it seemed right to ask." It hurt, knowing that Cas loved Dean, Dean didn't love Cas and loving Cas himself, or at least caring about him so deeply it made him ache.

"There's more to this."

"What do you mean?" Sam didn't see how there could be much more. He'd told Dean everything more or less.

"I have your side, but Cas did not give me his, not really."

Sam looked down at the ground. After a while he nodded and looked up, "That's alright though, isn't it? You don't want Cas so break it off."

"Then what?" Dean asked and he gave Sam a look that said something better be happening after that.

Sam wanted to pursue things. If Cas was scared he was probably in for a long ride but it was worth it, wasn't it? "Then I give him some time and ask him out. If he says no I give him more time and try again."

Dean stared at him. The corners of his lips raised. A slow smile spread across his face and he nodded, "That's my baby brother. If you really want him, try with everything you've got."  
Slowly, Sam smiled back. It was worth a try. At worst he would end up right back where he was mentally, so why not make an effort to get what he wanted most?

#

"Sam?"

As soon as he heard the voice Sam knew it was Cas. He didn't have to turn around and see the angel, but he did. It was so strange to hear that voice, when he hadn't even tried to approach Cas yet. Dean said he was breaking up with Cas, and he might have done it, Sam didn't know, until he saw the angel's face. Cas looked a mess. His eyes were red and puffy but his cheeks seemed oddly pale.

Cas stared at the ground, avoiding Sam's eyes but he went on once Sam was looking at him. "I know we've had some personal issues, but I think we should put that aside and finish up this paper. There's no use in both of us losing a third of our grade when we don't have to." He peered at Sam through thick eyelashes then.

"Yeah, I'd like to get the paper in. You okay Cas?" Sam didn't like seeing the angel like that, even though he'd known this would be the probable result of Cas's feelings for Dean.

"I don't... let's just stick to the paper. Personal questions have to be off limits."

That hurt, but it also made sense so Sam took a deep breath and nodded, "Sure, I'll try to remember." Then the two of them stood together in silence for a while. Sam thought about how much he wanted to just hug and hold Cas. The angel looked so sad and so alone. Then he thought of all the angels that so often crowded around Cas and looked around, noticing many angelic eyes on them. Instead of grouped, the angels were in different places which made them less noticeable. If he was human, he might not have noticed them all. He looked at Cas again. No personal questions, huh? Cas offered him a sad half smile. "So, I have a class to get to. Tonight, maybe? My place, your place or the library?"

"Library," Cas chose quickly, "I'll meet you at 7:30?"

"Sure, see you then," Sam was reluctant to turn away but he had to get to class. He couldn't concentrate during the lecture though, he kept wondering why the angels were watching Cas so closely. Was he especially important? Had he done something especially wrong? Sam wondered if they had always been watching Cas's every step, but he didn't remember it being like that. They'd been leery of him, yes, but this was different.

By the time Sam arrived at the library he was wound pretty tight. All of the thinking and worrying had made it impossible to eat dinner but he thought that was the least of his concerns. His biggest concern was that he had somehow caused the scrutiny Cas was under, and that was why the angel didn't want him around. Maybe Cas was right and they should just not be around each other, not even be friends. He felt a deep internal ache when he thought that way.

Sam paused on the stairs and his eyes went to a particular place against the railing where he'd seen Cas making out with Dean. He felt a slight smile curve his lips as he remembered how beautiful Cas had been in that moment, even though he'd been with Dean. Of course neither Cas nor Dean were there. He sighed and went into the library. Cas was waiting near the reference desk.

"I thought we should use the computer room for this," Cas said as soon as Sam approached. He still seemed pale, though his eyes weren't as bad. They still had a puffiness about them though that was totally unlike any angel Sam had ever seen. Cas had never been the perfectly put together vision most angels were, but he'd been perfect in his own way.  
Sam nodded, "Okay, I brought my laptop, but I can move my part of the paper to a school computer easily enough."

Cas turned and led the way to the computer room with Sam following close behind. There was so much Sam wanted to say and ask but Cas had put it all off limits and just being near Cas again was something. He had to accept what he could have. The two of them chose a computer to sit at, away from people as much as possible, and began to work.

By 9:30 Sam found that they were talking pretty naturally again, like they used to. "I never understood why God locked off Heaven though. He locked off Hell to block demons from their main source of power, I get that. Diminishing demonic power makes sense when they were misusing it so badly, but what about angels?"

"Don't be so naive Sam. You have to be able to answer your own question," Cas said, eyeing him steadily.

"No, I can't." Sam frowned. What was Cas implying? "God arrived in Heaven to see the earth was in chaos and that most angels were doing nothing to alleviate the activities of the demons. So he closed off Heaven and Hell, it doesn't make sense."

Cas shrugged, "Some angels say it was a punishment for allowing the demons to cause so much damage to humans, but I do not believe that is the answer."

"What do you think?" That was what really mattered to Sam, what Cas thought. He found Cas's views intriguing and often insightful as well, and he respected them because they seemed so well thought out. Occasionally, they were too emotional, and so they missed a fact here and there, but not always.

"What do you think?" Cas pressed back.

"I don't know. I've never understood."

Cas shook his head, leaning forward and putting a hand over Sam's. Sam felt the warmth of that touch shoot up his arm and spread through his body, a tingle of desire that he couldn't stop. "You are doing what you do again, casting demons as all bad, and angels as all good. Stop doing that, you know better."

Sam did know better. As Dean was constantly reminding him, angels were dicks. If angels were dicks, then maybe it hadn't been inaction which had kept them from doing their jobs and controlling the demons or at least countering them. "Then angels were misusing their powers as well, so he cut them off too. He lessened the powers of both his children and Lucifer's for the same reason?"

Cas gave him a quick smile and seemed to suddenly realize his hand was on Sam's. He pulled it away and looked down, then nodded. "It isn't a popular opinion but I believe so, yes."

"Oh." No, that would not be a popular opinion to hold. Angels liked to view themselves and each other as irreproachable, and accusing them of misusing their powers would be like betrayal in Cas's case.

"Cas, if you need help for any reason I..." Sam began offering his help but Cas didn't let him finish. He stood up abruptly.

"The printing should be finished. Let's go check." Then he walked away obviously not wanting to hear the rest of what Sam had to say.

Sam sighed and followed him, still worried but unable to do anything about it. He could still feel the place where Cas had touched his hand and he wondered how long that would last.

#

On the last day of class Sam and Cas turned in their paper like so many other pairs, but Cas barely looked at Sam and when Sam tried to talk to him, he walked away. Perhaps it was too soon. Dean had broken up with Cas on the day they'd agreed to finish the project, so Sam decided to give Cas some space.

Halfway into the next term, Sam sent Cas a plant with a note asking him to call. He included his phone number in case Cas had deleted it. Cas never called, and Sam knew he was still around since they had an Economics class together. The angel sat well away from him though in a new knot of angels. Sam didn't like the way the angels looked at Cas.

Near the end of the term, Sam went to Cas's dorm room and knocked. Cas opened the door and stared at him. "Sam."

"Cas," Sam nodded once and moved close, determined not to lose this chance. "I know you don't want to talk to me but I really need to talk to you. Please, Cas, maybe just coffee? Tomorrow night?"

Cas's blue eyes seemed trapped and haunted. Sam thought he might say no, and wondered if he should just give up. It was possible he was carrying things too far and he didn't want to scare Cas.

"Yes, alright. I'll meet you at nine in the coffee shop," Cas said, "but you have to go."

Sam nodded and backed off right away. Cas had said yes. He fought a grin and lost the battle. "Great, that's great!" The door was closing however and Cas gone behind it as he finished. Sam went from happy to confused. The door closing in his face felt like rejection, but the acceptance of coffee was like the prelude to a date. He backed away another step and looked down the hall.

To the right two angels stood glaring and to the left there was an angel female dressed in white, watching him closely. Sam frowned, and turned away from Cas's door, walking past the female angel quickly. Cas was still being watched. He was past her before he turned back and stared.

"What are you thinking?" Sam asked before he lost the nerve.

Her eyes widened. "Nothing at all," she said and her eyes looked vacant to him then. She had been thinking quite a bit though. Sam had no doubt about that.

"You should be thinking that this is none of your business," Sam said and with that he walked away. There was no reasoning with angels most of the time.

#

The coffee shop was full of chatter. Sam and Cas arrived at the same time, Cas from the direction of the dorms and Sam from his part time job at the library. Cas still looked oddly pale, and his eyes had slight dark circles under them. Sam hadn't seen him close up for any period of time since religion class. He'd seen him at the dorms but the lighting there was dim, especially in the halls.

It made Sam think there was more going on than the break up with Dean. They paid for their drinks separately even though Sam tried to pay for Cas's. Then they sat down in a corner booth.

"I don't suppose you'll tell me what's going on with you?" Sam asked as soon as they were seated, and Cas looked up then all around.

"No," Cas said, looking back at Sam, "there is nothing to tell."

Sam breathed out heavily, wanting to press the topic but not wanting Cas to disappear on him. It was probably best not to press it. "Are you still upset about Dean?"

Cas tilted his head and studied Sam for a time. "Why? It is better for you that I'm not seeing him, isn't it?"

"That's not a simple question. I liked seeing you around but I never thought he was right for you, no." It was better only if Cas would date him and it didn't seem as if he ever would.

"How can you know what is right for me?" Cas's eyes were hard and it reminded Sam of the day he'd said they weren't friends.

"You want to close me out. I've noticed that but I know some things. We've talked enough for me to know. You want a person you can depend on to be there for you, and that isn't Dean. I mean he'll show up when you need him the most if he gives a shit about you, and I think he does give a shit about you, but he won't always be there. He loves, bodies as far as I can tell. He doesn't get attached to specific people enough to have sex with only them. You want commitment Cas. Can you tell me you don't?"

Cas looked down into his cup then. "No."

"Dean doesn't. I'm his brother, so it's pretty easy for me to figure out his intentions, and when I'm not sure, I ask, and that's what I did with you because," Sam took a breath, braced himself and pushed himself to say the rest, "I like you and I want you to be happy."

Cas peered at him without lifting his head. "Like me how?" His voice was so soft, Sam almost missed his question.

"I like you, like you liked Dean," Sam began and Cas kept him from going on.

"I doubt that." He was finally looking at Sam straight on again. "Don't compare it to something you can't completely understand."

Sam took a deep breath and nodded. He supposed that was fair. Letting it out slowly he reformed his thoughts. "I want to date you and see you as often as possible. When we talk I never want it to be interrupted, and when I'm close to you I want to touch you. I don't get tired of you, Cas and I miss seeing you. I just... I like you in every way a person can like someone else."

"There are a lot of ways." Cas's eyes were blank but somehow Sam thought he could see something behind the nothingness.

"I know, maybe not every way but most of them. Being avoided like this is really hard for me to accept. I wish you would give me a chance to be close to you. Is there really no way?"

Instead of answering Cas took a long drink of his coffee and said, "I've been having trouble sleeping lately. There is this feeling of being watched, even in my room."

Was Cas trying to ask him for help, or just telling him what was going on with him? Sam nodded and looked around, noticing about three angels, two more coming in the door.  
"Yeah, I get that. I don't know why but it's a very real thing as far as I can see."

Cas shook his head, "Telling you why would only make it worse and there might not be much time left. Sam, you should really just forget about me. I don't know why you won't. I've hurt you again and again."

"Mostly it was just that one time," Sam said but it wasn't true. Though the other times were easier to forgive. After all Dean had been just as much involved in most of them as Cas was. "Can't I help?"

"Who says I need help? If I needed it, who says I want it?" Cas looked toward the counter then, "Will you get me another coffee?"

That felt abrupt. "Sure." Sam took his cup, returned it to the dish bins and bought a second drink for Cas. It occurred to him that unless Cas offered him money when he returned, Cas had just let him buy him a drink. That seemed important somehow, like the first bit of a wall coming down. He returned with the second cup of coffee and slid it across to Cas.

"If I said to wait, to give me time, what would you say," Cas asked when Sam got back.

"I would say that I will wait as long as you ask me to," Sam replied, his heart suddenly beating in his throat. "Are you saying that?"

Cas nodded vaguely, "But if I disappear, you have to find someone else."

Sam shook his head. "If you disappear I'm looking for you."

"Don't do that Sam." Cas looked right at him, "Just don't."

Sam stared at him, wondering again what was going on. Were the other angels threatening him? Was he in trouble? "I wish you would tell me what is going on and let me try to help you."

"Some things are just too private to share. Let's talk about something else."

Sam didn't really like it, but he decided he would just have to keep a close eye on Cas, and wait to see what was going on. If Cas didn't want to tell him what was going on, he couldn't make him, so Sam let the conversation turn to other things and really enjoyed getting to spend some time with Cas again.

#

Sam had an odd mixture of dreams and nightmares that night, all surrounding Cas. Some were quite sweet, and others so violent that he woke screaming in a pool of sweat. Dean was in his room twice, making sure he was okay and by morning he was an exhausted mess. He ended up telling Dean about coffee with Cas the night before, and Dean said there was no use worrying unless, or until, something happened, which was a lot easier to say than to do.

By the time Sam was heading into Economics class he'd mostly forgotten about being worried. Cas had been acting strangely, but anyone would with people watching them so closely all the time. As he entered the room his eyes went to a tight knot of angels, tighter than usual. Even so, Sam could tell that Cas was not there. He scanned the room, no Cas. Although he did go to his seat his eyes kept scanning the room and his stomach felt tight, heavy, painful. All of his earlier fears returned.

Cas had talked about disappearing, not like an angel plotting to leave, but like one who expected to have no choice. Class began and still there was no Cas. Being in the front row made it hard for Sam to leave inconspicuously. It took him twenty minutes before he couldn't stand it anymore. He stood, bag packed. "Excuse me," he said quickly to the Professor and he felt every eye in the lecture hall on him as he hurried out. It was just that Cas was missing and he had to do something.

When he banged on the dorm room door, almost expecting to get no reply, hoping to get Cas, what he got was Cas's human roommate. Cas had not been home the night before, and his roommate had found that a little odd, but Cas had stayed out before with Dean, so he figured maybe it was something like that. Sam knew that it wasn't something like that. He went to Dean's History lecture and peeked in the door but Dean wasn't there which left him roaming the campus looking for Cas or Dean.

Clusters of angels would pause to stare at him but none of them let him get close enough to talk. Before Sam got to them they would suddenly have somewhere they needed to be and rush off, or simply disappear. A demon shadowed him for a bit laughing, and when Sam turned on him, demanding some explanation, the demon accused him of being totally clueless and out of his league. Then, it disappeared too. Angels and demons, both groups knew something that no one was telling him. It was infuriating.

He ended up at the coffee shop, going over the night in his head. The place where they sat, a couple sat there holding hands and discussing finals. He thought of the time in the computer lab when Cas had put his hand on top of Sam's. The warmth of that moment came back to him as if it had just happened again. Cas's eyes had been so intense and he had looked at Sam like he cared, like he knew Sam. Of course he knew Sam. They had been talking a lot during their meetings and Sam had fallen for Cas. It had never occurred to Sam that Cas might have started to have feelings for him too. Sam looked around the room and saw that there was not a single angel there. There had been some when he'd entered.

"Dammit," Sam walked back out, leaning on the wall near the door. Every angel in the coffee shop had left. If Cas had begun to have feelings for Sam would the angels try to get them away from each other? Was it possible that because Sam was half demon the other angels wouldn't allow Cas near him? Maybe Cas did like Sam but he couldn't say it in public. Staying with Dean was the only way to be near Sam, but Sam had been avoiding Cas after the argument at the football game, which was all in public again. Angels and demons everywhere. Had he ever seen a relationship between an Angel and a Demon? No, not a voluntary one.

Sam bit his lip and made a decision. He would go home and do some research, see if there was anything in his books about demons with angels. It wasn't fair for the angels to judge him as a demon, but he knew they would, they'd been doing it his whole life.

#

There was nothing useful in the books, and when Sam heard Dean come through the door he was up and over to his brother right away.

"Hey Sammy, what's up?" Dean was looking cheerful as ever, as he tossed his bag on the floor in the middle of the entry and looked over.

"Cas is missing." Just saying the words made them even more real.

Dean gave a short laugh and shook his head, "No way. He must be toying with you or something."

"He's missing Dean and every angel knows what's going on, not to mention half the demons too. You have to help me." Sam went into the details of how he had searched and what had happened at each place. Dean looked thoughtful, then he finally shrugged.

"We'll find him Sammy, don't worry. They can't make him disappear forever. Well, they can, but only if they kill him outright, and I don't think they'll do that to one of their own."

Sam felt his entire body tingle as he stood frozen in place. There had been the one story about an angel who, raped by a demon, had remained in Hell to avoid the death she felt awaited her in Heaven. "What if they would kill him?"

"They aren't going to kill him," Dean shook his head, "Calm down Sammy, quit freaking yourself out. Why would anyone kill Cas?"

"Because he's rebellious and maybe they think he's done stuff with me or he will. Angels never even like to talk to me but I got along with Cas. Maybe for angels that's enough."

Dean came over and slapped him on the back several times. His hand thumped against Sam in a truly comforting way. "No one is killing Cas. I know you've had some pretty shitty things happen to you, and around you because of the demon thing, but there's no way. You're thinking of the all-rebellious-angels-are-killed rumors and those are bullshit. Sammy, the law would have caught them by now if that really happened and when's the last time you saw on the news that an angel was arrested for killing a rebellious member of the family? Think about it."

"Maybe the law just doesn't catch them."

Dean rolled his eyes. "No way, someone would have been caught by now. Go change, okay? You can't wear that out, put on some jeans and a t-shirt for God's sake. You look like you're a pre-law student or something."

"I am, Dean," Sam headed down the hall to his room then paused. "Where are we going?"

"Keg party at Alpha Zeta tonight, I'm invited and by extension so are you." Sam stood staring at Dean from his bedroom doorway. "What's wrong with you?" Dean asked.

"So many things. There is no Alpha Zeta, and besides, did you hear a word I said about Cas?"

"Every word, that's why this party is where we need to be. Lots of girls, angels, demons, all sorts. We're sure to pry something out of someone if we play things right. Now change, Sammy. The sooner we get there the sooner I can get to work."

Sam was still uncertain but he supposed it was a better bet than anything he had so far and he just needed to do something. Cas was out there somewhere, in who knew what sort of situation, and they had to get him back. Doing nothing wouldn't help, so as uncertain of Dean's plan as he was, it was going to have to do, even if he had no idea which sorority the party was at.

#

The music was loud and the place was full of people. One thing was sure, no one was going anywhere fast on foot. Angels and demons didn't have to go on foot though. Sam tried to survey the place but it was like trying to take a good look at every tack in a box full of them. He looked at Dean who mouthed, "Mingle," and then disappeared into the crowd. Mingle? Sam had no idea how. He'd never been good in this sort of place.

He tried to talk to several angels and a couple of demons but the angels just left and the demons were interested in other things. As usual Sam was reduced to watching Dean. His brother was a whole different person from Sam when it came to parties. He was in his element, chatting up girls and hitting on everyone who seemed interested. It was hard to believe that would help with Cas in any way.

Sam couldn't help feeling more and more worried as the night slowly passed, then Dean walked out with a red haired demon and it seemed unlikely he would be back. Sam turned to his right and spoke to a random human for a while. He fit in most easily with humans.

"So, pissed off an angel or something lately?" The girl asked after they'd been yelling to each other for a while.

Sam looked around, then he shook his head, "I fell in love with one actually."

"No kidding?" She grinned at him, "Doesn't look like that went too well. Want to try dating a human for a while instead?"

Sam smiled back, but she was completely not his type. In fact, she seemed more Dean's type to him. If Dean had been around he would have introduced them.

"Sorry, I'm not over it yet." He gave her a slight smile which she took as encouragement, closing the distance between them completely and pushing against him.

"I can help with that," she said into his ear and backed up to look up into his eyes.

"Um, maybe later if things don't work out," he said, almost overturning a chair as he moved away from her. "Sorry, I... uh..." he looked towards the exit. Yeah, this wasn't getting him anywhere anyhow, and Dean was most likely not coming back. He might as well leave. He turned and started for the door.

"Hey, you don't have to leave," the girl called after him. She sounded really disappointed which made him feel like an ass. Still, she had been moving in on him far too quickly.  
He was almost to the door when Dean came in through it, caught his eye and motioned to him. Sam sped his pace. Although he couldn't fully see Dean's face, he somehow knew the grave look that was on it. Dean had uncovered something, and it wasn't good.

"What did you find?" Sam asked as soon as he got to his brother. Dean shook his head and led the way to the Impala.

"Get in, we have to move fast," Dean said, and then he was getting into the car. As soon as Sam was in, Dean was driving.

"What's going on?" Sam's heart was now, pounding in his throat. It felt funny and he didn't like it. Something was very wrong.

"We're going to need some holy oil. Do we still have that rosary Bobby gave us? Check the glove compartment."

Bobby and his wife had been their last foster parents and the only ones willing to take them both. Sam checked for the rosary but Dean was doing nothing to make him feel any better. Bobby had become something of an expert on angels and demons when Sam had found himself in scrapes involving both, after moving in. He'd taught Sam most of what he knew about demons and never treated him differently because of what he was. Sam sort of wished he was there.

"Yeah, here it is. Now tell me what's going on, Dean."

"You were right," Dean growled, "they're going to try to kill him." His grip on the steering wheel was tight. "We're going to stop them though, Sammy. We'll be there before they even get close." The tires on the Impala squealed as he pulled into a gas station. "Get oil, as much as you can."

Sam hopped out as soon as the car was still and ran inside. He went to the shelves and got as many containers of oil as he could hold, all different types, then he took them to the counter. He couldn't stop thinking of Cas, surrounded by angels that wanted to kill him. How much could they really do against something like that?

"That's a lot of oil. You don't know what kind you need or something? I might be able to help." The guy at the counter eyed him expectantly.

"No, I really need all of these types. Everything needs oil at the same time so, thanks, but I'm good." Sam held out his cash and was relieved when the guy took it.

"Huh, that's a lot of stuff out of oil."

"Yeah." Sam accepted his change and bags, grateful to get out from under the guy's scrutiny. He tossed the bags in the passenger seat of the car just as Dean finished pumping the gas. Climbing in with it, he took out the rosary and began the process of properly blessing each container.

#

Dean pulled the Impala into a field, parking it beside the road, and turned to Sam. "You see anything?"

Sam did, a flaming blue light encompassed a good bit of the field like a huge, glowing dome. From what he knew about angel spells it looked like a barrier. "Yeah, I see something. It's either a physical barrier, a visual barrier or both."

"Well, I don't see anything, so I'm betting it's at least visual. Let's divide up the oil." Dean paused and looked at Sam, "You have a lighter?" Sam shook his head and Dean tossed him one.

"You go ahead," Sam said. Once they had Cas, and they had to get Cas, they would need a way to keep the other angels from getting at him. "I'm going to angel proof the car." Opening the door would break the protection, but closing them in would keep Cas safe as long as no angels got in with them.

Dean nodded and ran off towards the field as Sam started working. He worked as fast as he could, using holy oil to paint the sigils on. They would only last so long that way, but it wasn't like he needed them to last forever, just long enough to save Cas. Once Sam was finished he found Dean easily by the area of the field that was on fire.

Dean stood outside of the blue barrier, lighting sticks dipped in holy oil on fire and throwing them at the barrier. Sam began helping, but it didn't seem to be making much of a difference. Moonlight glistened on the field lighting the place fairly well, and the sun was just beginning to barely peek out. "How long do we have?"

"They start the ceremony at sunrise and complete it at noon." Dean looked over, "Is this doing any good?"

Sam paused and shook his head. "Not really." The ceremony started at sunrise. It would be sunrise soon enough. He mentally went through everything he knew about the barriers. "I have an idea, we can curse a stick and use that, maybe."

They found a good solid branch of wood and did the ritual then Dean started swinging it at the barrier again and again. Sam saw tiny cracks forming and sealing just as quickly. Through them he caught glimpses of a circle of angels, of Cas caught in a ring of holy oil. He had to get in there, he had to but the stick wasn't good enough.

"I'll make another one," Sam suggested, "With two we might break it."

They tried that next. Larger cracks were made but they simply resealed and as they continued Sam saw Cas collapse in on himself as the angels within began to chant.

"We have to get in there," Sam called out to Dean, "I think they've started."

Dean nodded and both of them doubled their efforts. It was no good. No matter how hard or fast they hit it wasn't breaking through. Sam felt his fear and anger building up inside until he thought he might burst and then he felt liquid fire pouring through his veins. His back ripped open, blinding pain consumed him and he was seeing red, literally everything was tinted red.

He reached out and ripped through the barrier like it was made of light fabric. Casting it to the side he walked through and holding out his hand every pair of angel's wings near him lit on fire. They turned and began attacking him but Sam didn't even really feel or hear them. He eyes were on Cas. Cas was hurt, was looking at him from worn and sad eyes. These angels were trying to kill Cas and he wouldn't allow that, whatever it took. When he got to Cas he felt something stretch from his back and wrap around the angel.

Sam turned his head and saw a black leathery wing, threaded with red veins, holding Cas close and he realized that the wing was attached to him. Why did he have a wing? When had he grown wings? He looked down, his hands were clawed. Sound hit him all at once. Angels around him were panicking, couldn't get out of the area. Wings were on fire and couldn't be put out. Dean stood nearby, a steady stream of words coming from his lips. Sam had no idea how long he'd been talking.

"...Calm down, come on Sammy, you just need to breathe and let go. Are you listening to me? Can you hear me? Sammy, lets get Cas out of here, okay? You know, just try to calm down. Sammy, it's going to be alright so let's just..."

Yeah, Dean was right about one thing, they had to get Cas out of here. Sam was pretty freaked out about the fire, the wings, the claws. Who knew what he looked like right now and he had no idea exactly what he'd done. He tried to speak so Dean knew he got it.

"Yes, let's go," he managed and he gathered Cas into his arms, releasing him from the wing as if it had always been there and he knew how to operate it. Must be some sort of instinct, he thought.

"Good, yeah, that's good." Dean kept an eye on him as they walked.

None of the angels seemed able to follow, not even the few who wanted to. Sam worried about that a little. He looked into Cas's eyes. Was he a monster now? Would Cas ever want him after this? He'd given in to his demon side. There were bound to be consequences.  
Cas reached out a hand and touched Sam's cheek. He smiled slightly. "It's alright, Sam, as long as you hold on to who you are."

He could do that, it wasn't hard and with Cas's words he felt his body changing again, changing back to what it had been most of his life. "Cas," he couldn't stop looking at him, "do you need to go to the hospital?"

Cas shook his head, "I'll be fine, just need some time."

Sam nodded and finally looked up. They were nearly at the car. Dean was holding the back door open. "Hurry up, Sammy. Get Cas in and let's get out of here!"

Once Cas was safely closed into the back and they were on the way out of there Sam relaxed back in his seat. He stared at his hands which were almost normal again. He had strange pointed nails now though and he wondered if he would be able to just cut them back into their normal shape.

"You scared me there," Dean said, looking over from the side of his eye. Sam understood.

"Yeah, I scared me too, once I realized what was going on. I guess that was my demon side." Sam forced his eyes away from his hands and looked at Dean.

"Yes, but it was more than that," Cas said from the back of the Impala. "I suspected it for a long time, but now I know for certain."

"What?" Dean asked before Sam could.

"Sam's power is unsealed." It was as if Cas expected that to make perfect sense, but Sam had no idea exactly what it meant.

"My power is unsealed by what? What do you mean?" Sam turned in his seat to look back. Cas was lying pretty much the way Sam had put him, his head leaning on a jacket against the door, eyes open. Sam still loved his eyes.

"You are neither a demon nor a human and so you have full connections to both the earth and Hell. If you so desired you could probably go to Hell. It is not off limits for you, or any other half demon I suspect. That is how God will allow the return to Heaven or Hell. It is half children who can repopulate and bring about a new regime so to speak."

"But that's crazy. I don't want anything to do with that!" It scared Sam to think of it. He would never leave Dean or Cas.

"Then you won't have anything to do with it," Cas replied, his tone calm. "It is up to you Sam."

"So... is that what scared those angels so much they didn't make chase?" Dean asked.

"I believe so," Cas replied. "Once they have thought things over they might try to come after me again, or even Sam."

"I won't let them hurt you," Sam growled and was almost scared of himself in that moment but Cas smiled at him.

"I believe you, Sam." Then they stared at each other and Sam's heart pounded as he lost himself in Cas's gaze for the rest of the ride.

#

They had stopped to pack bags and then Dean had taken them to Bobby's hunting cabin, a two day drive from the school. There, Cas had slowly made a full recovery from the execution spell which they'd interrupted. The damage was not as simple to heal as physical damage would have been since it had been done on a spiritual level.

"It was not all you," Cas said to Sam, months later as they sat together in the living room with canned tea. "My opinions had put me in a bad position with Archangel Michael some time ago and I was already under scrutiny. When I saw you in Religious Studies though I wanted to know you. It wasn't that simple. Since you were half demon I wasn't supposed to associate with you and I knew that on top of the other things it would be too much. So I started dating Dean."

Sam set his can down and leaned forward, "You dated Dean to meet me?"

"Yes, I knew that being with a human would be distasteful but not considered outright rebellion. If I was with him long enough they would eventually stop watching me as closely because they think humans are a waste of their time."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"At first I was trying to keep from getting involved with you at all. I knew that later I would have to repair things but I had time. Dean is difficult to entrap, however and we ended up getting close during the project."

Yes, they had. "Are you saying that you like me?" Sam had been trying not to bring it up, just enjoying being around Cas and resisting his other urges. If he was honest, it was a very difficult thing to do.

"Yes," Cas said, frowning and staring at his hands, "but all I've done is hurt you. Then I put you in a place where you had to allow your demon side to come out. I know you had never done that before." He finally looked up, "I am sorry, Sam."

Sam licked his lips and then stood up. He went to Cas and took away his tea, setting it down on an end table. "Cas, I don't care about that. What I care about is you. If you can accept what happened then so can I." He leaned in and kissed Cas. He felt the tension leaving his body as Cas returned the kiss, leaning in close and putting his arms around Sam.

That was a relief. Even knowing that Cas liked him Sam had worried that he would be pushing too fast or going too far. He gathered Cas into his arms and deepened the kiss.  
Tentatively, Cas's arms wrapped around Sam as well, lightly holding onto him. His lips parted and he swept his tongue out to brush against Sam's lips. A soft hum went through him as they kissed, and he pressed closer to Sam.

Sam continued the kiss for a long time, then he pulled away briefly to look into Cas's blue eyes. "Cas, can I... would it be okay if we... went to the bedroom together?" He didn't know how to say can we have sex together? Usually in relationships it just sort of happened but they had been not in a relationship and yet he desperately wanted Cas in that moment and maybe... Cas wanted him too?

"Oh," Cas licked his lips a little uncertainly, but then he pulled his arm up and touched Sam's cheek. "Yes Sam. I would like that."

Cas would like that! Sam felt his heartbeat accelerate as he lifted Cas off the chair and carried him to the bedroom. Dean wasn't staying with them, though he called Sam regularly, so Cas had a room of his own but Sam took him to the one Sam was using. He put him gently onto the bed and then leaned in, kissing him again, allowing all of his desire to surface this time. He pressed Cas into the mattress firmly, loving the feel of his body.

Moaning against Sam, Cas pulled Sam close, hands running up Sam's back. He pulled away to look into Sam's eyes. For a moment he stared at Sam, then he pressed against him again, kissing with fervor and opening his lips to sweep his tongue out against Sam's lips.

"Mm, Cas..." It felt so good to finally be the one, the one kissing Cas, the one close to him. The angel's body was so warm and he wanted to feel more of it. Sam climbed onto the bed, on top of Cas as he met Cas's tongue, licking and kissing, tasting Cas with all of his attention on how it felt. He wanted to always remember this. "God you're gorgeous," he pulled back to say.

A hint of color slipped across Cas's cheeks. "You believe so?" Cas asked, licking his lips as he stared at Sam. "I think you are beautiful. It was what I first noticed about you. Even through the demon in you, you are... beautiful. Perhaps it was partly because of the demon."

Sam shivered at the thought, "I'd rather think it had nothing to do with that." He leaned in to kiss Cas's neck before pulling back. "I'm really glad you think so though." He couldn't think of how his demon side would be attractive to an angel but if it was Cas, then he was okay with it. He was, after all, attracted to the side of Cas no angel would accept.

"I don't think..." Cas breathed, arching his head to one side to allow Sam more access to his skin. "I fell for the humanity struggling to cope with the demon. I think it is beautiful that you do not allow the demon to take away what you are. All of it is beautiful, the strength that stands tall in the face of adversity."

Sam took advantage of the length of neck, kissing all the way down, licking and sucking until he found a place that made Cas writhe, then concentrating on that place. He sucked and bit, knowing that he was marking the pale skin, wondering if it would stay marked long enough for him to see it or if it would heal before he pulled away.

"Sam!" Cas gasped, hands clutching at Sam's body as he licked and sucked. "Oh, Sam." He arched against Sam and breathed deeply. When Sam pulled away to look at the mark on Cas's skin, he saw it was still there, but fading slowly. Cas looked down to Sam's face and frowned. "What is it?"

"No one can ever leave a mark on you for long," Sam said, running fingers over the disappearing mark gently. It was an angel thing.

"That is not fully true," Cas said, shivering under the contact. "The marks you made on the other angels? The burning of their wings? That is not something that will heal quickly, nor will all of them recover fully. Some may not ever be able to fly again. Demons and Angels can damage each other in ways that cannot ever be fully healed, like human scars."

Sam looked at him then and shook his head. "That is not the sexy kind of mark though."

"No," Cas smirked. "It's not a "sexy" mark." He watched Sam closely and the smirk faded down to nothing. "Would you want to mark me? In a more permanent way?"

Sam thought about that. It bordered on a desire to posses, but that desire was in him, especially when it came to Cas. It wasn't right though, to try to own another person. He didn't feel comfortable with that side of him at all. "No, I just really want you around and I don't want to think about you... not wanting me again."

Cas relaxed into the bed, a tightness to his muscles Sam hadn't noticed loosening under Sam's fingertips. "I never stopped wanting you Sam," he said gently. "That was never my problem."

Sam nodded, "Yeah, I know," and he kissed Cas again then. It was hard to believe that Cas had wanted him from the beginning, or at least been interested in him. He kissed him several times before heading down his neck again, then pulling Cas over on top of him so he could take off Cas's shirt.

Cas helped Sam get him undressed, revealing acres and acres of creamy white skin. He watched Sam closely as his body was uncovered, eyes a little nervous. "I'm sorry, I... don't have much to recommend me as far as coloring goes."

"I wouldn't say that," Sam said, feeling himself flush. If anything the pale skin only made Cas more appealing, Sam's eyes were glued to his skin, so perfect that it seemed to glow. He leaned up to lick Cas's chest, unable to resist any longer.

Gasping, Cas leaned into Sam's mouth. "Oh, I... I'm glad it does not bother you. Dean suggested... well, I'm sorry, never mind."

Sam nipped at one of Cas's nipples and then turned again so they were on their sides looking into each other's eyes. "Yes, let's not. Dean might be my brother, but what we want from a lover is really different and I'm not sure I want to know in exact detail how different."

"I... that was not what I was intending, no. I'm sorry." Cas kissed Sam and then reached to tug at Sam's shirt. "I think you have the advantage here. I would like to touch you as well."  
Sam grinned, "Yeah? I think I can help you with that." He stripped off his shirt in one fluid motion and tossed it over the side of the bed. "Better?"

"Yes," Cas breathed reverently, and his hands started exploring Sam's chest right away, touching and stroking along sides and front, brushing across nipples as they came to them. After a bare few moments, he moved his head down and sucked a nipple into his mouth, humming with pleasure around it.

Sam's eyes fell closed as he savored the feel of Cas exploring. "Mm... Cas, feels so good."  
When Cas pulled away from the nipple, Sam's chest was slick. Cas turned so Sam was under him and he looked up at Sam. "Yes Sam? You feel good?" Then he attacked the other nipple, his hand reaching for the wet one and pinching at it lightly.

"Mhm," Sam agreed, his hands exploring Cas's back. He let Cas drive him crazy for some time before he took control of things again, rolling on top of Cas and licking his chest. He played with Cas's nipples for a bit then worked his way down, kissing until he was at Cas's waist. He kissed along the waistline, then worked open Cas's pants and pulled them, along with his underwear, down and off. Pausing to remove Cas's socks he kicked it all off the bed and kissed up one of Cas's legs.

"Oh," Cas gasped, legs spreading as Sam moved up his body. All of his skin was pale and his dick was hard, of decent length and nicely thick. The tip was glistening enticingly. "Sam," Cas moaned. "Sam."

"Yeah," his eyes caught on that hard dick. It looked so good to Sam. He stopped to lick it from the base to the tip, then he sucked it into his mouth.

"Sam!" Cas cried, legs spreading fully as he twitched in Sam's mouth. His eyes closed and his head fell back against the pillows. "Oh Sam, that feels so good."

"Mhm," Sam encouraged, as he sucked Cas in, taking him deep into his throat again and again. He tasted the pre come and it was so good. Cas was so good, the taste of skin, sweat, everything about Cas was just what he wanted.

Writhing under Sam's mouth, Cas grasped at sheets, body arching into Sam, legs trembling. "Sam, Sam," he kept saying, as though somehow he'd hold onto the memory or the sensations more clearly if he attached at name to them. "Sam!" Sam could feel Cas getting thicker in his mouth, could taste him getting close. "I... Sam I... can't... I'm going to..." he was practically whimpering as he tried to say the words.

Sam didn't answer vocally, but he reached a hand out to gently stroke Cas's balls and kept to the rhythm he'd begun, anticipating Cas's release. When the hot fluid filled his throat he swallowed it all down, pulling away gently and licking at Cas's dick.

Breathing heavily, Cas sagged in the bed and reached out a hand to lightly play with Sam's hair. "That was amazing," he whispered.

"Yeah? Good." Sam wanted to be amazing. He wanted to be so amazing that Cas would never want to leave him. He kissed his way up Cas's body and then kissed his lips again.

Opening his mouth instantly, Cas flicked his tongue out to taste Sam's lips and mouth, moaning as he did so. His hands ran down Sam's body until they reached Sam's ass, which he squeezed. Pulling away, Cas looked into Sam's eyes, his blue eyes bright. "I taste... strange on your lips. It's a good strange. Perhaps you would allow me to do the same?" he asked, arching an eyebrow and moving one hand around to touch Sam's still hard dick.  
For a moment Sam thought he might come just from the suggestion. "Yeah, I definitely would." There wasn't a lot he wouldn't allow Cas to do and maybe that was a little warped but it was the way he felt.

Quickly, Cas flipped them over so Sam was on his back and Cas was on top. Then he started kissing down Sam's body, licking in places as he moved, allowing his skin to slide across Sam's. Sucking at nipples only a few times, Cas moved on quickly, heading further down until he was breathing on Sam's dick. "Beautiful," Cas said, breth tickling Sam's skin. Then he was licking, sucking along the side of Sam's dick, mouth moving down as he did so.

Sam knew he was bigger than Dean, as brothers just know these things. He was pretty sure it was natural to look and compare whenever opportunity arose. At any rate he was glad his size didn't seem to slow Cas down as he smiled at the angel. Then Cas's tongue hit a particularly sensitive spot and Sam gasped, his head tilting back outside of his control.

Cas hummed in appreciation and he sucked at the spot a few more times. "Sam," he breathed, kissing back up to the tip. "You taste delicious." Then he opened his lips and started sucking Sam down, lips stretching as he moved further. His tongue flicked out and around Sam's dick.

"Cas," Sam moaned, the s stretching out in a soft hiss. It always felt good, the heat of a mouth around his dick, pulling him in. This was somehow more than just that. It might have been his attachment to the angel, Sam didn't know. "Oh, yeah Cas." He was so hot it made him dizzy.

Hands traveled up Sam's legs, then the fingers laced around Sam's hips, holding him steady and still, grip much stronger than Sam might have expected. Then Cas pressed down until the tip of Sam's dick was slipping into Cas's throat. He swallowed around Sam and a humming noise thrummed through Sam's body.

"Cas!" It was definitely different and just... more, somehow. Sam's hands grasped at the sheets, then one moved to Cas's hair, tangling in it.

He swallowed a few more times, then began sliding off. Not by much before he was moving his head down again. Cas continued the motions, not caring if spit slipped down Sam's dick, swallowing around him whenever he seemed to need to, hands still firm on Sam's hips. When Sam came, Cas swallowed him down, licking up and down the dick afterwards to clean Sam off.

"Delicious," Cas breathed, head relaxing on Sam's hip, his arms wrapping around Sam's legs to hold him close.

"So are you," Sam's voice was a half whisper. He thought that he should probably leave things at that but he didn't want to. There had been so many times he'd dreamed of being inside of Cas that he didn't want to wait, not when Cas was willing, not when he had plenty of lube and a condom besides if Cas wanted him to wear it. His body seemed to agree. Just thinking of what he wanted was making him harden for a second time.

Cas chuckled and kissed Sam's thigh. "What are you thinking about? Your dick seems interested in something more."

"Being inside of you," Sam said, wondering if it would be alright to be that bold with Cas. Dean was the sort who just said anything though, so maybe Cas was sort of used to it.

"Oh?" A finger ran up the length and swirled around the tip. "This would like to be inside of me?"

Sam felt himself flush a bit. He wasn't used to being especially open about that sort of thing in bed but Cas was special and he wanted to be more open with him. Sometimes he thought people didn't get attached to him because he somehow didn't do the right thing or say as much as he should have. "Yeah, would that be okay?" The last word caught in his throat.

"Yes," Cas breathed, moving to sit up on his elbows, looking up Sam's long body to meet his eyes. "I would very much like for you to be inside of me. It is warm and tight, from what I have heard." Cas's eyes were bright with desire as he spoke.

Sam felt his stomach tighten a bit in anticipation and his dick hardened more. "You don't have to talk yourself up for me you know, I want you because you're you. I am glad you're warm and tight, though." A quick grin overtook his face as he reached to pull Cas up so he could kiss him.

Moving easily over Sam's body, Cas kissed him back, his own dick hard as he pressed against Sam. He opened his mouth and slipped his tongue out to lick across Sam's lips.

That felt good, and knowing that Cas still wanted him too made him moan. He was only able to kiss for a little while before he was reaching for the lube, pulling it out. The condom box bounced out with it, fell on the floor and splayed its contents all over. Individually wrapped condoms slipping over the floor and under the bed. He grimaced and looked at Cas. Did he need to fetch one?

Cas's eyes watched the box with interest. "Condoms. Were you prepared for this, or just hoping?" He looked back to Sam curiously.

"I..." the truth? Part of the truth? All of the truth? "Dean is constantly giving them to me just in case, but yeah, I guess I was sort of... hoping."

"Dean gives you condoms in case of what?" Cas's brow furrowed. "Is he hoping you'll have random sex?"

Sam took a deep breath, then Cas's words all sunk in and he started laughing, unable to not. "Yeah, yeah I think he is." Somehow laughing relaxed him and he was able to ask, "Should I use one?"

Moving off of Sam completely, Cas thought about that for a time. Finally he shook his head. "No, I don't believe you could damage me in any way."

Right. Things had become a bit less sexy, but it seemed to be okay. Sam closed the distance between them, moving above Cas. "I don't have random sex, I'm not Dean. He just seems to think I should naturally want to."

"He's a very sexual person," Cas said, reaching up to run his hands across Sam's face. "You are... more personal. No, that's not right," he frowned. "More invested in the emotion behind the actions."

"Yeah, I am." He turned his head to catch a hand and kissed it, then kissed down Cas's arm and then down his body. When he got to Cas's dick he kissed that as well then paused to use the lube and prepare Cas.

Spreading his legs, Cas relaxed as Sam touched him. "It's a nice change," he said softly, moaning as a finger slipped inside.

"I'm glad." He felt a warmth at the words, and a different warmth as his fingers slipped in and out of Cas, preparing him. He took his time. Cas was an angel and he couldn't hurt him, but he wanted the experience to be enjoyable for them both so he kept going until he felt Cas opening up to him and accepting his fingers easily, then he replaced them with his dick. Sinking into Cas for the first time felt so good he had to pause to keep from coming right then.

"Sam," Cas gasped, legs curling around Sam's. "You feel... yes Sam, more." He pulled Sam closer and deeper inside of himself.

"Oh," and suddenly he was deeper, so deep that his head spun. "Cas!" This was exactly right. He set a pace, and moved in and out until he saw Cas's eyes water, heard his voice quiver. Then he continued at that angle determined not to come until Cas did. "Yeah Cas, yeah..." Watching Cas's face made him feel his love for the other man so deeply.

His face shining with sweat, Cas kept Sam's gaze. "Sam, Sam," he breathed the name like a prayer, moved his hips in time to Sam's thrusts and dug his heels into Sam's legs. "Yes, yes, Sam." Then his body trembled and started to shake, his pace quickened, his hands grasped hold of skin. "Sam!" he cried out, coming hard, slamming his body against Sam's, eyes glowing bright blue.

Yeah, Sam allowed his control to break and he came moments later, staring into Cas's eyes. "Mm, Cas," he moaned as he collapsed on top of the angel afterwards, burying his face in Cas's neck.

Strong arms wrapped around Sam, holding him close. "Yes," Cas whispered, kissing Sam's neck and breathing heavily. "Yes Sam, yes. All of this and more." One hand lazily stroked down Sam's back as his legs slipped down to the bed in exhaustion.

Sam's mind caught on the word "more" and held it. "Promise?" he asked and then wondered if Cas would have any idea what he was asking.

"Oh yes," Cas sighed. "I promise more, as long as you still want me. As long as I am not bothering you. There will be more, and more, and maybe someday, I won't be scared anymore." He held Sam tightly then as his voice was very soft.

"I won't let anyone hurt you, Cas. If they try, I swear, I'll hurt them back," Sam heard the anger in his voice but he couldn't hold it back. Never again was he allowing anyone to snatch Cas away like that. He would walk him wherever he needed to go. He would make sure he was safe before he left him anywhere.

"Sam, you can't be everywhere all the time. You can't..." Cas shook his head. "I am an angel Sam, I am fully capable of taking care of myself."

"Not always." Sam moved to look into his eyes. "I know that there are times you need me not to be around but if you don't feel safe you have to let me be there Cas. Don't make me go through that ever again."

Cas's gaze searched Sam's again and he finally nodded. "I don't want to go through it again myself. Just..." He kissed Sam's lips lightly. "I feel as though I should be more than capable of handling myself."

"Yeah, you are, except when you aren't and until we know clearly when that is I might be a little overprotective but it's only because," Sam shook his head, "God, Cas, I almost lost you before I even had you." The emotions he'd felt all tumbled back and he fought not to end up crying they were so intense. At the time he'd had to just act and act again. There had been no time to acknowledge all of the fear, anger, guilt, everything.

"I didn't think I would ever get you," Cas said, his voice trembling. "You can't stay overprotective." Kissing Sam, Cas smiled slightly. "But you can start that way."

"Thanks." Sam thought he could handle that and he held Cas close to show that he understood exactly what Cas was saying.

"Good." Cas breathed and nodded once. Then he held Sam very close as well and eventually, fell asleep.

 

>>>


End file.
